I'm Scared
by muse456
Summary: Sometimes our dreams will compel us to do what we though was impossible. Lily/James Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.**

**So this one-shot came to me while I was listening to Amy MacDonald's "Mr. Rock n' Roll," which, I must say, is a great song. And yeah, I figured it was about time I get back to writing, since I haven't posted anything in a really long time.**

**And hey, who knows, maybe I'll update my other story if inspiration calls.**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

She hadn't meant for it to happen, honestly, she hadn't. She thought she was so in control of her feelings, but somehow they had run off on her and while she immersed herself in work and Head Girl duties, they slowly, and meticulously, worked against her.

Developing a crush on James Potter was not something she had planned on. Granted, they were both Head students, and consequently shared a dormitory and spent a lot of time together, but this did not in any way condone the fact that her feelings had persuadedno, not 'persuaded', forcedher to actually look at him more than she normally did.

What she saw both fascinated and crushed her. He had changed so much since fifth year, and somehow, she stayed ignorant of that. He was kind, responsible, funny, intelligent, helpful, witty, outgoing, friendly, not at all like the immature boy she thought she knew. How come she did not notice this last year?

Oh yes, she remembered. Last year she had deliberately ignored him.

But now it was different. Sure, he and the other three Marauders still caused some amounts of mayhem, but hadn't he always made sure that their pranks this year were more light-hearted than in years past when the Slytherins were the main targets and the ultimate goal was the embarrassment of the victim or the unleashing of momentary chaos? And, in spite of herself, she found she laughed easier at his jokes now, and talked more freely with him during their patrols than she ever had during their entire time at school.

She still had a feeling he liked her. That certainly did not change. She could tell by the way he looked at her during their patrols, or when they were studying in their private common room. Something in his eyes betrayed what he claimed he had suppressed, or at least tried to. He had not asked her out once since the middle of sixth year, but she could tell there were some things left unsaid behind his hazel eyes.

Or at least, she wanted to believe there were. It would make things so much easier for her if he would just come out and tell her if he still had feelings for her or not. But perhaps her feelings were playing tricks on her.

So this was how karma worked, she mused. The moment she started to like him, he stopped liking her and moved on. No matter, though, she had a method for dealing with situations like this. She would do nothing but let her feelings run their course, and though she might be a little hurt in the end, eventually both she and James will have forgotten about each other and moved on with their respective lives. It was quick and simple and would save both of them from the hurt and embarrassment she thought would ultimately come if she decided to act on her feelings.

Her best friend Alice, however, did not think this was as good an idea as Lily did.

"Look Lily," she had said earlier that Friday night as the two sat in the seventh year girls' dormitory of Gryffindor tower, "I know you've done this before, and in the past I have supported you, because you did it for good reason. But don't you think you ought to act on your feelings just once? I mean, really, what's the worst that could happen?"

"Yeah Alice. If he still liked me then maybe I would." Alice rolled her eyes. "No, really, I would definitely consider it at least. But now…"

"Yes…?"

"Well look Alice, he hasn't asked me out in what, six months? He's made no indication that he still has feelings for me other than friendship, and all I've got to go on is what I think I see when he looks at me. For all I know, that could just be me pretending that there's something there when there isn't."

Alice sighed and leaned back against the pillows on her bed. "Lily, how much do you like him?" she asked seriously.

Lily shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "I'm not in love with him, that much I know. But, and I hate to admit this, I do think I have something of a crush on him…maybe. I don't know, Alice, I'm just so confused right now."

Alice nodded. "I don't think you're going to like what I'm going to tell you now, Lily, but you're going to have to listen to me, regardless because as your best friend, I have only your best interests at heart." She took a breath. "Lily, you've been single by choice all your life, and every time someone wants to get close to you, or you have an inkling of a crush, you let the opportunity pass you by and move on with your life. Now, though I do admire your independence, I think if you ignore your feelings this time, you will regret it for the rest of your life." Lily opened her mouth in protest, but Alice held up her hand to stop her.

"Now I can't force you to talk to him, Lily, but honestly, do you really think he's going to laugh if you tell him how you feel? He's pretty much been in love with you for as long as any of us can remember, so what makes you think he's given up now?"

The conversation would have continued, but at that moment, the rest of the girls came in from dinner, and after some brief, harmless, chatter, Lily left to get back to her own room.

She had planned on flopping straight to bed and sleeping for as long as she could, hoping to wake up the next morning with a new perspective on how she would handle the present situation. Her feelings, however, had different plans for her. Everything she saw was James. When she closed her eyes and tried to drift off, there was James laughing, smiling, gazing at her, moving towards her, reaching out to her, touching her…

No! She bolted up in bed for the umpteenth time, ignoring the obvious flutters in her stomach. No, this could not happen. If she kept on like this, she would get in way too deep, and then what would she do? She let out a frustrated groan and threw her head into her pillow. Why was he, of all people giving her such dreams? They were wild, exciting, and considerably less tame than those she usually had. But perhaps, she mused, this was her own sexual frustration playing tricks on her. Yes, that must have been it. Hadn't her friends told her dreams like this would occur if she did not let go just a bit?

Lily almost laughed. So there was nothing to worry about after all! This was just another crush, and it just so happened she felt particularly frustrated that night. No matter, soon it would all pass, and she could move on to slowly letting go of her crush and moving on as she normally did. Satisfied with her conclusion, she pulled her comforter back up, and snuggled in, ready for sleep that, surprisingly, came really fast.

_She was on a street, but where? London? Perhaps, but it looked so different. But oh, there was Big Ben! Yes, it was London after all, only much more modern. _

_She crossed the street, carefully avoiding the small, fast cars that sped by. Once she reached the other side, she looked around and realized she was fairly close to Diagon Alley. Well, that was convenient, she desperately needed some new quills, and a quick stop at Florean Fortescue's for some ice cream would do her wonders. Smiling, she began to make her way over to The Leaky Cauldron when something caught her eye._

_A woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties had stepped out of a nearby bus and began to make her way towards where Lily stood. Now, this would have not bothered Lily had it not been for the fact that the woman's hair bore a striking resemblance to her own. Lily was about to dismiss the situation as a coincidence, when the woman looked up and for a moment, stared straight at her. Lily gasped. Those were her eyes, or at least she thought they were. They looked so much older. _

_Was this woman her? Lily thought. She was about to ask, but just then, the woman walked straight through Lily as though she were a ghost. Lily gasped. Was she dead? If that were so, then why did she see someone who looked an awful lot like her a second ago? Perhaps this was the future? Yes, that must have been it. Lily was seeing her future._

_Lily let out a little squeal. She could not wait to see what the future had in store for her. Where did she work? Was she successful? Was she married? How many children did she have? So many questions spun around Lily's mind as she tailed her future self. She wanted to know everything._

_Lily followed her future self until the two reached The Leaky Cauldron. There, future Lily took a seat at the bar, while Lily herself decided to perch on the counter to better observe everything. Someone else was behind the counter. Perhaps Tom had retired or passed away? Oh no, there he was coming out of the storage room, and Merlin's beard did he look old! Lily almost placed a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle, but then remembered that no one could hear her, so she carried on laughing._

_Just then the bell above the door gave a little ring and a tall man stepped through the door. Lily looked up, and eagerly waited for him to remove his coat and scarf so she could see if it was someone she knew. Judging by his hair she guessed it was either Sirius Black or Phil Chang, the nice Ravenclaw boy who had been Head Boy her fifth year._

_But then a flash of metal caught her eye. Was he wearing glasses? Oh, perhaps she had guessed wrong. But no, that was impossible; no one with hair that black wore glasses…except…_

_She gasped and almost fell off the counter when the man finally looked up. How could she have forgotten about James Potter? But that could not have been James. James's hair looked so much softer than this man's, and James had a sparkle in his eye this man was definitely lacking. But then he began to walk towards the bar, and she could tell that despite a few changes, it was James Potter. He still had something of a signature spring to his step, even though the spring was more subdued now, as though most of the life had gone out of it. _

_James moved as if he meant to cross to the other side of the bar, but as he passed future Lily, he stopped. For a split second, Lily could have sworn she saw something of his old sparkle in his eyes, but it went away before she could confirm if it had ever been there._

_James gulped, and opened his mouth as if to say something, but no sound came out. He stood there gaping like a fish for a few moments before he shook his head, took a breath, and opened his mouth again._

"_Lily?" he asked timidly. "Lily Evans is that you?"_

_At the sound of her name, the older Lily slowly lifted her head up, and when he spoke again a flash of something the younger Lily would later identify as pain flashed through the older woman's eyes. Slowly, she turned around on her stool, and when she saw who stood there, a soft smile broke out over her face._

"_James Potter," she sighed. "My, it's been far too long."_

"_I know," James replied. "Nearly seventeen years." He gestured to the empty stool beside future Lily. "May I?"_

"_Of course." James sat down, and ordered a firewhiskey from the barmaid. _

"_So," future Lily asked after James had taken a sip from his drink. "What brings you back to London? I heard you had moved to America permanently." _

_The real Lily leaned closer. America? What business had James Potter in America that was so important he had to leave her? So much for true love…_

"_Business," he shrugged. "The American Auror department wants to keep good relations with the British one, so they sent me to negotiate a few things. Rather boring actually. But I'm only here for a few more hours. I have to apparate back and report immediately after the talks are over." He took a rather large gulp of his drink, and the sting of the alcohol in his throat was visible as he forced a swallow. He turned his gaze on future Lily once more, and for a moment looked as though he were going to stare at her like he used to in school. But no, he broke his stare after only a few moments, and, looking only a little flustered, returned to swishing the remaining contents of his drink around in his glass._

"_So, how have you been keeping yourself?" he asked._

"_Oh pretty busy. Work at St. Mungos is never without its hectic days."_

_James nodded. "You, um, you ever get married?" Oh, the real Lily mused, now the conversation was about to get awkward._

_Future Lily tensed up. "I'm divorced," was her curt reply. "Married him when I was twenty-four, and it ended two years later." She took a sip of her drink and let out a dark laugh. "A right bastard he was too."_

_She turned to James. "What about you? Did you ever get married?"_

_James shook his head. "Almost got married once, but it didn't work out."_

"_Why not?" future Lily asked._

_James, however, did not answer right away, but instead looked at Lily very intently for a few moments as though he were trying to communicate something to her. Finally, when the tension became too much, he sighed and looked away again._

"_She wasn't the one." And with that, he polished off the last of his drink, and made for the door in such a mad dash, it was as though someone had lit a fire under his seat._

_The real Lily stared at the spot James had just vacated, trying to process what had just happened. Did that mean James still loved her after all those years apart? Did that mean the real James loved her now even though she claimed it was just a fantasy of his? None of it made sense any more. _

_She glanced at her future self and was surprised to find the woman staring right at her as though she knew Lily sat on that counter and had been listening the entire time._

"_I wish I told _him_," she said with such sadness that Lily's heart would have broken were it not for the fact that suddenly everything went black._

Lily gasped and shot up in her bed, feeling almost out of breath. What in the name of all that was good in the world was _that_ all about? She brought her hands to her face to rub the sleep out of her eyes, and was surprised to find it wet. Had she been crying? When did that happen? Shaking her head, she lowered herself back down to a sleeping position, and closed her eyes, determined this time to not let strange dreams plague her.

And then she saw the eyes again, the same ones she saw right before the blackness came. Her own eyes looking so sad, and heartbroken that she could not help but cry when she sat up again not ten seconds later.

What was it her future self had said before she stopped dreaming? Oh yes, _"I wish I told him."_ Lily pondered that for a moment. Could she possibly avoid that fate if she told James how she felt? Perhaps, but then again, the dream gave her no indication of what would happen if she _did_ tell him. There was still a chance he would reject her. After all, hadn't she put him through so much the past seven years?

But what if he did not reject her? Lily finally let that thought run through her head. They would be together for Merlin knows how long, after all it was only November, and they still had most of the year ahead of them. And maybe, just maybe, no matter what happened after graduation, they could both end up avoiding what ever it was Lily saw in her dream.

Maybe, they could even be happy for a while.

Lily shook her head and laughed to herself. This was the most optimistic and naïve she had been in a long time, and yet, somehow, everything she thought made sense. It was decided then; in the morning she would talk to James and let him know how she felt. If he felt the same, then all would be well. If not, well, she had enough practice getting over her other crushes.

She was about to lie back down again, but she stopped. What if she missed him in the morning? What if she was not able to get a moment alone with him? It was Saturday, after all. Perhaps he already had plans with his friends and would be gone all day? And if she could not tell him then, how much longer would she skirt around the issue before it was too late and she doomed both of them?

No, she would not let that happened. She had to take this opportunity now or risk ruining everything. Determination etched on her face, she bolted out of bed, and quickly, but quietly, left her room and made her way down the hall to where his room was located. She was just about to open his door when the sheer ridiculousness of what she was about to do struck her, and she stepped back. What had she been thinking coming here at this hour, for Merlin's sake? It was probably around three in the morning!

Slowly, she paced back and forth in front of his doorway. She could not go back to her room, for fear that he would leave before she got the chance to talk to him, and she could not go inside because as far as she knew, no one wanted to be woke up from a peaceful sleep by some nutter, which was what she now considered herself.

Ah, but there existed a compromise! She would, she decided, simply sit with her back against his door until he woke up. That would not be so bad, and besides she could get in a little nap in between.

She shivered as her body met with both the cold of the wood floor, and James's door despite the fact that she wore long flannel pajamas. She figured her body would soon grow accustomed to the cold, and her pajamas would keep her warm in the meantime, so with a final sigh, she leaned her head against his door and waited…

~*~*~*~

Someone was stroking her hair, and rather soothingly she thought. She sighed and tried to burrow her face deeper into her pillow to add to her comfort, but found that somehow her pillow had hardened. Furthermore, she could hear a very distinctive _thump-thump_ that sounded suspiciously like a heartbeat, and as far as she knew pillows did not have heartbeats. So, she reasoned, she was not lying on her pillow, which meant that she was not in her bed…

…wait, WHAT?

She quickly shot up from her very comfortable position, but before she could get a good look at her surroundings, a sharp bolt of pain shot up her spine. Wincing, she flopped back down onto…whomever she was lying on.

And then it all came back to her in a rush. The dream, walking to James's room, sitting on the floor with her back against his door, falling asleep…

And then she heard a very familiar snicker and she knew it was his arms that were holding her and his chest she had comfortably slept on. Sighing, she slowly raised her head to get a good look at him, suddenly feeling very self-conscious as to what a mess she must look. Meeting his eyes, she gave him a small, shy smile, and was surprised when a wide grin spread over his face. He looked, she thought, truly happy, something she had never remembered him looking before.

"Hey," she croaked, her voice still adjusting from her long sleep.

"Hey yourself," he whispered back as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged. "Alright I suppose. My back really aches though." Immediately she felt his hand on the small of her back, tracing circles, trying to ease her pain. She smiled and lay her head back down on the soft fabric of his t-shirt.

"That feels good," she said.

He laughed. "Yes I'm sure it does after sleeping on a cold, wood floor all night." His hand stopped and he tilted her face up to meet his. "What were you doing out there anyway?"

Lily felt her a hot blush creep up her cheeks, and wished desperately that his hand was not holding her head in place so she could avoid looking at him. Besides, her face probably resembled a large tomato by this point, not exactly an attractive quality. She tried to duck her head back down, but his hand would not budge. Now she was stuck. What would she tell him? Everything? No, he would probably laugh or just tell her his feelings towards her had changed. The familiar worries from the previous night and many weeks before all came flooding back to her, and for a moment she forgot her dream. But then she closed her eyes and saw those sad eyes again, and for a few moments she sat in silence, trying to muster up the courage to tell him what she had intended to when she walked to his room.

"Lily?" James asked, concerned. Oh she had yet to answer his question. She opened her mouth to explain herself, but no words came out. She swallowed and tried again, but to no avail. Clearly either her vocal chords had permanently stopped working, or they were simply playing a cruel joke on her by causing her to stupidly gape at James like a fish out of water. Now what was she to do?

No, she could not resign herself just yet, she thought. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and searched once more for the little scrap of confidence she knew was somewhere in her. And yes, there it was. Mentally, she grabbed a hold of it, and knew that she had found her voice again.

"It was a dream," she whispered. Alright it was not as confident as she hoped, but at least it was something?

"What kind of dream?"

"A bad one." One of her hands found a loose thread on the sleeve of his t-shirt and her fingers slowly began to toy with it. "About us," she continued.

He frowned. "Us?"

She nodded. "Only, we were older. Like, in our thirties or something." Ah, now her voice was coming back.

"What happened?" he asked, the hand resting on her back beginning to absentmindedly trace circles again.

"We were having drinks at the Leaky. Apparently, we had not seen each other in a long time."

He nodded in understanding, his eyes betraying some of his sadness. 'At what?' she wondered.

"Were we happy?"

Her fingers stopped playing with the thread. Slowly, she looked up at him and held his gaze for a few moments before sadly shaking her head.

"No, not then. But, we could have been, or at least, we could still be, that is…" she trailed off. Why was it becoming so difficult? She was so close, and so far he had done nothing to indicate he would reject her, or at least she did not think he did.

She could feel tears welling up behind her eyes, but forced them to stay back. She could not break yet, not when she had one more thing left to say.

"Look," she began. It was now or never apparently. "The reason we weren't happy was because I never told you something while we were here…and I can tell you now and we can avoid whatever it was I saw. But," she swallowed, the tears threatening to come up again, "I don't know if I can tell you because I'm scared that…that…" Oh no, perhaps she was not as strong as she thought.

The hand on her back stopped its movements once more and slowly traveled up her spine until both his hands gently cradled her face. She suppressed a shiver; only allowing herself to minimally enjoy what she thought was only temporary.

"Scared that what?" he asked, so gently his voice practically ghosted over her skin.

"Scared that you'd say 'no,'" she whispered. It was so soft, she did not even know if he heard her, but soon a look of comprehension dawned on his face and before she knew it, he was crushing her so hard to him she could hardly breathe. Slowly, she allowed herself to relax into him, and whether from joy or relief, or whatever, her tears began to flow freely, releasing everything she had been holding in for so long.

"Lily, you've known me for seven bloody years for Merlin's sake. Why would you think I'd ever say 'no' to you?" One of his hands was in her while the other held her firmly against him, not willing to let her go.

She giggled, in spite of herself, and raised her head up to get a proper look at him. Glancing down, she noticed a very visible wet spot on his shirt from where she had been crying and blushed. "Sorry about that."

He shrugged. "I've got others." The hand that was in her hair left its spot and wiped the tears from her eyes, causing her eyelashes to flutter and a soft sigh to escape her lips.

And then his lips were on hers, so softly at first, she almost did not know they were there till he whispered her name against her mouth. Then he began to kiss her as though she was his lifeline, and she immediately responded with equal enthusiasm. His lips were soft, inviting, intoxicating, everything she imagined they would be and more. She was enjoying it so much she hardly registered the soft moan that escaped her when his teeth gently grazed her bottom lip.

But he did. Slowly pulling away from her, though she could tell it pained him to do so, he gave her his famous Potter grin before planting a chaste kiss on her nose.

"A bit frustrated are we Lily-love?" he asked, some of his playfulness returning to him.

Blushing furiously, she let out a small giggle before burrowing her face in his shirt once more. She felt his chest rumble with laughter for a few moments before he pulled her face back up to his.

And before she lost herself in him again she reflected one last time on her dream and the fate she narrowly avoided. What the future held for them, she did not know, but for now they were happy, and for now, that was enough.


End file.
